I have 2 amazing kids, they always ALWAYS keep me on my toes. I'm beyond blessed to have these kiddos in my life. Brayden is 7, thinks he can do anything anytime he wants. (I wonder who he gets it from) He started 2nd grade in the fall. Which previously I had homeschooled him, and when I took him for testing to put him back in public schooling, I was so very proud of myself and him for the teacher to say that he was testing in the top of his class!
Then there is Brianna she just turned 5. This little girl is my mini me. She is my hell on heels per say. My blonde haired blue eyed baby girl. Don't let her looks fool you, she loves to get dressed up but doesn't hesitate one second to get dirty and play with the boys!
I have been married for 7 years back in October. My husband works on the road doing construction. The kids and I had been traveling with him kinda like gypsies I suppose. Last year we made the decision for the kids and I to move back to Missouri to be around family and enroll the kids in school. With doing so, my husband Chris went to work in Alaska. He was gone for about 6 weeks at a time and then come home 10 days and then go back. It wasn't much time to spend with him but we cherished every moment.
Somehow in the midst of everything we do what every couple does when we are apart for too long. We would argue over piddly crap. Then the unthinkable happens. We hadn't seen each other for 4 months. The day that I pick up the man that I have been dying to see and hold me at the airport, doesn't look the least bit happy to see me. I had, had thoughts before he came home that he was seeing someone else, and had asked a couple times and he would always say "no".
I knew something was wrong when I seen no ring on his finger, no hand holding, no hug, no kiss. Not even a smile. I was hurting inside because I knew something was wrong. Well it takes 2 hours to get home from the airport. That drive was silence, finally I work up the courage to ask "what the hell is going on?" and that's when I get blindsided.
The man that I have loved and been with for 9 years, is telling me that he isn't in love with me anymore, but that he loves me as the mother of his kids. He proceeds to tell me that the arguing on the phone while he was gone caused him to put up a wall between us. That he has also met someone, that he has feelings for.
I can't even begin to explain to you how I felt because I still don't know how to feel. My world was crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do about it. I listened to what he had to say, trying to take it all in. Out of everything he said, all I could think was what did I do wrong, how did I let this happen...
This all happened 2 days before Thanksgiving...so I told him, that I wanted one thing and that was for us to be normal at the holiday events around family. He agreed. He still tells me that I deserve better and that he has failed me as a husband. I do agree with him but I also made vows to this man. As much as my heart aches due to hearing him say he has feelings for another woman, I still love this man.
As for this other woman, I will be polite and not mention her name. He and her had become friends up in Alaska, she also works construction (roadwork) so when my husband and his other buddies would go to the bar they would hang out and shoot pool and play darts. He opened up to her about our marriage. This woman seen an opening and took it. She took my husband from me by becoming his friend, and now his "girlfriend" which he doesn't even call her that.
I am disappointed in him, and beyond pissed at her. She knew what the hell she was doing. My husband on the other hand should have told me how he was feeling about things instead of straying away and putting our marriage in the bind that it is in now.
So from all that happening we agreed to do our own form of separation that way we wouldn't have to deal with lawyer fees, and traumatizing our children, because we basically live separately because of his work. Our families don't agree with it, but this is our decision. This is what we agreed on to figure out what we want and whether our marriage is salvageable.
There are days where I think I'm ready to move on with my life, and there are days where I'm like "oh my gawd what am I going to do???" All I want is support from my family and pretty much all of them want me to be a vindictive bitch. Which trust me there was a few times I thought about being her. But you know what I'm better than that. My husband and I are best friends, we both want to save our friendship at least if we can't save our marriage.
He comes home for a just a couple days before leaving again on Tuesday, and it scares the shit out of me, cause I miss him as a friend but those butterflies that I have for him are going to be rushing back. So there are days like today where I wish he would tell me flat out what he wants. He is torn between her and I. He says he loves me but he has feelings for her. Damnit there is the ANSWER: YOU LOVE ME! It's not that easy I guess. When I say I wish he would tell me what he wants, it's because I love him and if he wants her over me then let me go......
In the end the heart wants what it wants.
